Psychoanalyzing

Since freshman year of college I have gone through my most rapid personality changes of my life. Part of me will always be that nice, shy, awkward, giggly girl, but through my friendships, relationships, activism, and general life experiences in the past three years I’ve developed what I can only describe as “fierceness.” I’ve found my inner Hillary Clinton, whatever that means to you. I’m unashamedly a product of second-wave feminism, ready to show that I’m just as smart and motivated, if not more, as any man. I’m self-confident in a way that is often mistaken either aloofness or egotism, causing inevitable, but often fleeting, self doubts. Despite this, I have battled the pervasive influence of disproportional anxiety about my future. With some help I have mostly overcome this hindrance, learning to take life for what it is and realize I can only control so much before just enjoying the ride. Instead of looking at my life like a path where I can control every step, it’s become a river where I can steer myself away from the rocks, but in the end it’ll take me where it wants. Without these revelations, I probably would not be here in Bangladesh, or at least I would be having a horrible time. This major change in outlook has led to other changes in my life, I hope for the better. Each awakening brings new clarity to not only my current situation, but also that even when I am happy and satisfied with life, I will always be changing. I can’t tell you if I’ll be different when I’m back from Bangladesh. I am what I am here, and I’ve certainly changed within the context of Bangladesh, but who knows how this will translate in the States.

As an analytical and self-reflective person, I’m also aware of my own “shadow.” My shadow is not the Barack Obama to my Hillary Clinton, but rather how I react to being outshone. My shadow is the part of my personality that thrives on spite, jealousy, passive-aggressiveness, and schadenfreude (keeping with the German theme, think Jungian psychology). Though I get along with most people, in a few exceptional cases I’ve lost friends during or because of periods of intense personal change. Through these times my shadow was there, constantly threatening to get the best of me. During one of my most long and painful breaks I had to completely uproot a meaningful part of my life. In these moments the shadow is most powerful and can either crush you completely or cause you to act out violently. I’m lucky to have a supportive group of friends who were able to ground me and help me replant my roots, even if it must be on the periphery of something I once thrived in.

(Just so you’re not confused, let me sum up my slight overuse of metaphors today: I am a Hillary-Clinton-rooted-plant-hybrid, fighting with my shadow, while going down a river. Totally clear, right?)

Realizing that I’m up constantly against my shadow may be another obstacle in my path to become a better leader. I think of myself as a leader, but in moments of self-doubt I wonder, “What do I have to show for it? Where is my tangible evidence?” But leadership is not about making your own trail of Alexandrian conquests. A wise man once told me, leadership is balance between authority and responsiveness. With a pure authoritarian outlook, you have the great leaders who ultimately were overthrown because they refused to respond to changes in the political and social environment. With a pure responsive outlook, you have the bleeding-heart humanitarians who despite their good intentions, won’t help more than those within their arm’s reach because of their own fragility. The best leaders are a combination of both authority and responsiveness to their environment. I’ve certainly experienced my share of responsiveness here in Bangladesh. By trying to fit in and learning a new culture, I’ve also developed a bit of a hesitance to step on toes, even when it’s clearly within my right to do so. How far am I willing to go to assert my own authority? Unfortunately, as an undergraduate intern, probably not any further than I’ve already established myself. I’ll probably go a bit in the other extreme once I get home. I dream of regaining my full independence and bossing around men for a while. For now, that’s all I’m sure about.